Ted (2012)

“Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.”

            If you do not watch Family Guy or have never seen the show there is something seriously wrong with you. It is un-American to have never seen at least one episode of Family Guy. The show is so stupid yet completely genius at the same time. Seth MacFarlane, creator, writer, producer, and as well as voice actor for several of the characters in the show, wrote, directed, produced, and voiced the character in his first feature length film Ted. If you watch Family Guy you kind of know in advance what you are getting into and how unbelievable and crazy the whole movie is.

            When John (Mark Wahlberg) was little his parents gave him a stuffed bear for Christmas that he named Ted. John was a loner with not a lot of friends but Ted was his best friend. One night he wished that Ted was alive so they could play together. The next morning he awakes to find that Ted has come to life. Ted becomes a huge celebrity but never leaves his best friend.

            John and Ted grow up together and they are now living with John’s girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis). John has a job working in tourist center in Boston. The job sucks it is one I would hate my life working at and John and all the employees feel the same way about working there. Ted is a bad influence he has John smoke up before he leaves. Lori is starting to become really frustrated with Ted always being around she fells Ted brings John down and stops him from moving forward with his life. John sets Ted up with a job at a grocery store and his own apartment.

            Lori’s boss has been trying to hit on her ever since she started working there. He invites her and John to a party at his place. The guy really wants to get Lori so when John tells him not to tell her that he needs to go the guy of course tells her. Ted called John to tell him to come by his place because the actor who played Flash Gordon is there at a party he is throwing. Before John knows what hits him he realizes that he has been at Ted’s place for hours. Loris kicks John out of the apartment and John becomes pissed at Ted.

            Of course the two best friends do not stay mad long and there is some drama that brings them back together and makes Lori understand man and teddy bear are important to each other.

            There is a lot of funny lines throughout this whole movie but they are so ridiculously crude they make me blush just thinking about him. The best line comes from Patrick Warburton at the beginning when there is a talk about relationships. He says “I dated a girl for six months. Then she farted.” I love a good fart joke and this one was so hysterically especially the way he said it that I had tears in my eyes. My brother Anthony had a laughing fit and every time he thought about for the rest of the day he would just die laughing. Another line I cracked up with was when John punched this annoying kid in the face, Lori looked at him in shock and he just replied “I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!” I think I was the only one in the theater who got that joke haha.

            The performances were not bad. Mark Wahlberg can do no wrong he is so good. Mila Kunis I cannot hear her talk without thinking of Meg Griffin, it is so weird to hear her voice come from such a beautiful girl like her after hearing it come from the cartoon haha. Patrick Warburton almost steels the whole movie in his few scenes the guy is just hilarious. Patrick Stewart does the narration at the beginning and end.

            Ted is funny, crude, and ridiculous but such a good time. Every once in a while I like to sit through movies like this they are just so mindless and stupid but they are a really great time. I am making myself a big baby by admitting this to the world but I had a stuffed animal and I will not lie when I was younger I wondered what it would be like if it came alive… I actually always wondered if it came to life with my others like the toys did in Toy Story. I still have my stuffed animal and still hold it when I get tired or stressed out. The poor thing is in bad shape after twenty-four years but it looks like it has been loved which it has greatly been and is. But unlike Ted mine is not obviously alive and crude and smokes pot. Ted is a fun movie to sit through and especially fun if you watch Family Guy and appreciate that sick twisted hysterical sense of humor.